Rumsfeld Amuses Troops with Historical Figure Impersonations

God to Run in 2008

In a surprise press conference this week, God announced His intention to run for the country's top job in four years time.

"I've got good grass-roots support," He said to delegates from Fox News, "particularly in the Bible belt states, and that gives Me a good base from which to launch My campaign." When asked why He was running for president, He replied, "To be quite frank, I'm a bit pissed off -- I lent My support to the current administration, got the voters out in their droves, the least I would expect would be a cabinet position. But since the election I haven't even gotten a phone call. So now it's time to cut the middle man out."

Policy Issues

On National Security:

"My position on terrorism would be to smite them. I would also abolish the current colour-coded alert system and replace it with a series of plagues -- each plague would signify a different level of alert readiness."

On Fiscal Policy

"Well, I'll mainly be running on a morality ticket -- there doesn't seem to be a need to have a opinion on any economic issues -- but rest assured My administration will be big business friendly, as dictated in the Bible."

On Gay Marriage

"As I said to Moses, 'Thou shalt not covet thine neighbour's ass' -- I don't think it needs to be spelt more clearly than that."

On Abortion

"Naturally, I'm against it. Of course, to abolish the right to choose is going to require an amendment to the free-will policy I established during Creation."

Competition

God also addressed the rumour that Jesus may run against Him.

"I'm not worried. Jesus' views are just too wishy-washy liberal for the American people. His 'turn the other cheek' attitude would leave this country wide open to attack. Besides, he wants to give everything to the poor and meek -- which in My book is called Communism."

For moor years

How to Get a Head in Politics

Ban Parachuting

I don't like parachuting. People who parachute make me nervous. So much so that I can't bear to watch it on TV, I don't like it when people talk about it openly at parties, and if there is a parachutist in the room I have to leave. So I have decided to try to get parachuting banned, for the sake of everyone -- who I am sure shares the same loathing for parachutists that I do. After all, it is hardly natural to throw yourself out of a perfectly good airplane, is it?

This morning I phoned a lawyer friend to find out how to go about banning parachuting. He told me that it was highly likely that my cause would be undermined by out-of-control adrenaline-junkie judges, but that a constitutional amendment could resolve this contentious issue satisfactorily. Ok, I said, if this is the only way to protect my pedestrian lifestyle, so be it.

If you would like to show your support for this amendment, then write to your congressman or senator. To meddle with the traditions of ground-dwelling is potentially disastrous -- it is a tried and tested model. Billions of billions of human beings over millenia of time and in virtually every culture can't be all wrong. We need this amendment to protect walking, running, and limited amount of jumping, and we need it now.

Gay Marriage and Being Fucked By the Republicans

I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about same-sex marriage. A couple of months ago it wasn't really a topic I would've even considered, but times seem to have changed. These days it seems to be every heterosexual person's duty to hold some kind of social commentary on the subject. The problem is I don't really like thinking about it -- it makes me uncomfortable.

Then today my dilemma was finally resolved when I woke this morning from a dream in which I had been forced against my will to marry Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a big church wedding in which my dream groom wore white and many of Arnold's influential friends attended. After the ceremony, Arnold carried me across the threshold of our little pied a terre in San Francisco where the rest of our life was to begin. Luckily, as the honeymoon celebrations were just about to begin, my sleep was broken by my morning alarm.

By breakfast, I calmed down a little and my night fears seemed a little silly and it occurred to me that I wasn't so much concerned about gay marriage as I was about being fucked by Arnold Schwarzenegger -- after all, perhaps the answer to not liking the idea of same-sex marriage is not to marry someone of the same sex.